A very disappointing day. . .

November 15th is the day that Texas medical schools can offer pre-match acceptances. I stayed up until midnight on that night to see if I would get an email. Just after midnight, my inbox flashed. It was the Texbirds listserv evening message. That was all that I received. I began watching on SDN as people began to get acceptances. While exciting for them, that only made me feel worse. UTH was the only school that I would have heard from at midnight. UTHSCSA mails offers that day. I noticed that some students were beginning to get acceptances to SA though. I asked and they said that they had called to get the news. I called. I got the "You were not in the first batch, but we are sending more offers out in two weeks." speech. I said thanks and hung up the phone. I really felt that I nailed the interviews at both of these schools, so not receiving at least one acceptance was truly disappointing for me. I called and talked with my mom and later my husband and received the obligatory pep talk. I do know that there will be more offers and then the match, but that just doesn't make me feel better NOW. I have horrible self-doubt now. Did I put my family through all of this for nothing? Did we spend the thousands of dollars on school and MCAT prep and test and applying and interview outfits and make-up and lodging just to not receive anything? To a 21-year-old, waiting to reapply the next year is painful, but doable. They have years. For me, I don't know if I want to go through this process again if I am not accepted. Is it my place in life to be an overworked, underpaid, underappreciated public school teacher? Is it my place to have some other job? How would I explain this to my daughter? Do I say "Mommy got really close to acheiving her dream, but we need to try again next year or never?"

I have to try to figure out some answers in the next 24 hours because I am going to interview at UT-Southwestern in Dallas tomorrow.

I only wanted to be able to say "I am going to be a doctor." today. I guess I just need to suck it up. It hasn't come easy so far, I doubt it ever will.