Destination Medicine

Umm, yeah, almost 2 years

2011-06-17T15:27:00.002-05:00

So Steven asked me if I had blogged in a while. . .When I looked, I realized time really does fly. In all my enthusiasm for a weekend, I feel I should type something, but as the end of third year quickly approaches, the realist in me says that won't happen. Maybe another day. . .

Summer Ends

2009-08-16T20:12:00.003-05:00

So again, I have so much to do and here I am jotting down a few thoughts. Probably because I realize I won't get to blog again until December! So I didn't get near as much done around the house as I had hoped during this "last summer ever." Steven & I are going to try to prioritize tasks and work slowly but surely on them as the days and weeks go by. We'll see how long that lasts! I have some stuff ready for tomorrow, but I am not totally to the realization that everything starts NOW. It has been an amazing summer.

I have had some great experiences in the ER this summer, gaining confidence and experience but also making me realize that I have a ton to learn. I will continue to worship Dr. Oakes, as her amazing ability as a physician is combined with the gift of being an outstanding educator. Not everyone can say that! I am going to head on in tomorrow with chocolate chip cookies for my classmates as we begin the great endeavor that is second year leading to STEP 1. Blech. I don't want to think of that now.

I attended retreat, had a great time, laughed so hard at the skits and films that were put together for the incoming class. They seem to be a great group of people. Well, I must attend to the long list of things to do before I rest. Good Luck, MS2s!

11 pm - 7 am

2009-07-26T15:15:00.003-05:00

A Saturday night in the county ER can bring out the best, worst and weirdest in people. I shadowed last night (again) for the 3rd time in 3 days. I had been at Hermann for 2 days with true shadowing. There are so many people available to do things there, it is just hours of watching. Very interesting watching, but still watching. The county ER is another matter. There is always something for someone willing an able to do, for example, an arterial blood gas, a rectal exam or a pelvic exam or place a Foley catheter. And throw in a lot of good watching, too.

I guess that I will have to start a secret Dr. Oakes society/fan club in which I collect her toe nail clippings and wear them in a vial on a necklace. She is incredible and seems to have decided to have incredible confidence in me. I feel quite honored and humbled by her attention and insight, but I keep wondering when someone will decide I am just an imposter who happens to have a coat, badge and some doctor toys. It still amazes me that I am able to go up to someone in the ER and say "Hi, (person I have never met before) Let's talk about that vaginal discharge." and then they actually tell me things.

Last night there was a woman who had been found unconscious, brought to the ER by EMS using the "thumper" which provides CPR. It really looked bad, but the entire team really worked hard to stabilize her and eventually she was to be transferred to another hospital for more testing. Majority of places in the world, she would not have a chance, many places in the US she wouldn't due to distance to a facility able to handle her complex problems. But she was lucky, getting very sick in the right place at the right time and having the right people taking care of her. She might never recover, she might be dead right now for all I know as I write this, but the ER staff was able to give her a fighting chance and that is where hope begins.

Hope was ending for another woman who was going to miscarry, sad and in pain but no baby was present during the ultrasound. I got to do the ultrasound and learn how to do that but it was not the happy occasion where we were looking for a heartbeat.

There was also a man who was very altered from whatever he had been ingesting. He had more tattoos than you could imagine and would smile and smile. Until security had to be called. His coming down was not as good as getting high apparently.

So don't drink, don't do drugs, don't ride motorcycles, bicycles or ATVs, don't get pregnant, don't drive or have any fun. But if you do, know where the nearest ER is and hope it is not me coming in to interview you! ;-)

Blog Fail

2009-07-15T16:30:00.003-05:00

So I guess that my hope of blogging more will just go down in the annals of a failure. But this week, the kids are at VBS with Grandma and I have some time. Now I should be doing other things, but I thought I would like to update myself for these last couple of weeks. I can officially say a few things:

1. I am an MS2. I passed. I will be moving on up (well actually down a floor) in the fall. I get to look forward to pharmacology, pathology and a mish mash of other classes to prepare me for USMLE Step 1 and life in the wards.

2. Maine vacations are wonderful. I would love to bottle the coolness and views.

3. I do not want to practice Family Medicine. I spent 2 weeks with a fantastic doctor in her clinic. She practices alone, really knows her stuff, was so helpful and kind to me, but I don't want to do that for the rest of my life. That removes one of the possible options from my list. Now if I can't do anything else, it wouldn't be that bad, but it is not a top choice. I equate it to my teaching days of someone failing a test and coming to me to talk about it. We go over all of the things to do to change the direction they are going in, doing homework, taking better notes, coming for tutoring, asking questions, coming to test reviews, lists of resources and often tons of time from me. Then on the next test, they fail, sometimes even worse because they chose not to listen to anything that I said. It can get even better when they blame me for their situation.

I just can't see myself repeating the don't smoke, don't drink, don't do drugs, don't suck down milkshakes and donuts, don't sit on your fat behind all day and expect to be a supermodel who lives to 125 years old. You are not going to put that on me, bucko. I could see the sarcasm, bitterness and resentment creeping in within about an hour.

3. I really liked my peds preceptorship. Kids just put a smile on my face and my preceptor who happens to also be my kids pedi is fantastic. She has a great manner with kids, parents and staff and YOU WILL COMPLY! But she always has the best interest of the kids in mind even if the parents have broken every rule in her book. But she will let them know that! There is a simple gratification in making the kids feel better, parents more relieved and problems solved.

4. I REALLY still like ER. I have shadowed several times this summer and have seen some very interesting things. I have done an ABG in the femoral artery, started an IV, assisted in draining a knee effusion, done a rectal and taken quite a few histories and mad my feeble attempts at presenting. I even kinda diagnosed a guy with shingles. I have worked in the ER overnight twice and if I am able to sleep within a couple of hours of getting home, I am not too worse for the wear. It is also neat seeing the MS3's in clinic and knowing that in just a year I will be there! I have been so blessed to have been taken under the wing of Dr. Oakes, just an amazing clinician, instructor and now in my book, friend. God works in wonderful ways.

I have seen some unpleasant things in the ER, especially since I have mostly been at the county hospital. People in difficult situations made more difficult by the economy struggling with deciding when to seek health care. I again thank my lucky stars for good insurance and the ability to get care when I need it.

I saw the last minutes of life on 2 people. One had collapsed at home and was brougt to the ER receiving CPR and oodles of drugs. He had been unconscious for a while and never regained consciousness at the hospital. His large family was sequestered in "the room" where the news was broken that he had died. I followed along to listen and learn how to do this one day. Never an easy task that can be made worse by accidently changing verb tense from is to was before you want to do that. The other gentleman had tried to chase down someone who had burglarized his neighbor's house. I heard his last words before he was taken to surgery. He was a difficult case that needed to be moved to the OR sooner than later and those few minutes were precious time lost.

But even with all of that, I still love to go to shadow and I am excited about the second year.

Time Machine

2009-05-21T14:48:00.002-05:00

This time tomorrow, I will have finished the last test of my first year of medical school. Wow, that seems impossible. I was musing over all the stuff that I put myself and my family through to get to this point and now we have made it through one year. Wow. Wow. Wow. I should be studying right now, but I needed a break from microbiology. Too many bugs on the brain. I am also a little sleepy from having shadowed in the ER last night until 10 pm. It was a more depressing day to shadow, but also more gratifying in some ways. I really love the ER though, and I could definitely see myself working there. I am so impressed with the physicians that I meet in the ER, they really know their stuff. I on the other hand, feel like a complete idiot. Since I am a geezer as far as the class is concerned, I think sometimes people think I know more than I actually do. I am going to be scrambling to look up journal articles, clotting cascades, febrile seizures and types of anemia just to fix my understanding of some of the cases that I saw last night.

I can look at how far I have come, but there is still SO much to learn. I am going to enjoy the summer, but I will be ready to get back at it in August. I need to alter my plans for studying some and start thinking about the best way to cram all of the pharm and path in my head without forgetting all of the 1st year material. That will be challenging.

I also can't believe that in just a week my baby girl is going to graduate from kindergarten. Where did that time go? I can track my medical school journey back to 9 weeks after her birth, when I took my first tentative steps toward med school with an undergraduate math class. That seems like eons ago. I know the rest of it will fly by all too fast, as my kids grow, I develop into a physician.

I am also so deeply blessed to have Steven along for the ride. He has been my rock (how appropriate) and is the love of my life. At our wedding, we danced to "Grow Old Along with Me" by Mary Chapin Carpenter. The rest of the line continues "the best is yet to be." I certainly feel that way when Steven is holding my hand.

Finals, Finally.

2009-05-09T15:42:00.002-05:00

I knew it would happen this way. I was trying on that white coat for the first time, just last week, right? I have made it through every lecture, clinical correlate, and lab thrown at me and now all that I have left is finals. Not that the rest is a cake walk, but now, it kind of looks manageable. Except for neuro. I am having a problem with neuro. The last test just wasn't what I expected. I studied for hours, including arriving at the LRC at 4:15 in the morning of the test to get a nice 8 hour block in before the test. The test was just not what I studied for, it was an imposter. So I finally graded it and failed. Not by much, but fail. The really frustrating and gnawing evil is what I missed because of the test. At my daughter's school there was a Mother's Day breakfast. She sang and danced and at the end, runs to mom to give her a big hug. Except it wasn't mom. It was my mom, which was fine. I just can't believe that I worked so hard and ended up failing and letting my mother's day hug be placed on anyone else but me. It was one of the only time this year that I feel I really let her down. There have been other instances, but this was a biggie in my book. No one else can fill in for mom on mother's day. Abigail didn't seem to mind that much and told me all about it and gave me the book that all the kids presented to the moms. In it, she answers questions like "What is a mom's job?" Her answer: "To study." and "What does your mom want for Mother's Day?" Answer: A syringe. I hope no one thinks I am an IV drug user from that answer. Another little girl whose mother works for the DEA stated that her mom's job was "killing bad guys." so maybe the syringe part isn't so bad.

I still really love everything that has happened this year. I have made wonderful friends, seen amazing stuff and been able to meet and interact with amazing faculty. I am in a great place and I don't want to be anywhere else. That includes repeating Neuro next year, so I had better get back on the ball and study! Six more exams and a little freedom!

Why yes, I should be studying. . .

2009-04-09T19:42:00.002-05:00

I have a micro test tomorrow. I really don't want to study. So, I am taking the time to do everything else that I can think to do other than study. Hence, I blog. I have made a fairly important decision that will impact my entire future. I want to go into Emergency Medicine. I have been shadowing as much as I can with the full time schedule at school and family. I have only shadowed ER, but it is so great. It really matches my profile. . .It is fast paced, you never know what is going to come into the door, you can really impact people's lives for the better and you get to see all sorts of stuff. I had come to the realization in my teaching career that I was great at getting a project going, starting quick, writing curriculum, managing the initiation of new projects, organizing people and events. My downfall was always the continuation of the project. I guess that I get bored with the nitty-gritty detail work that continues forever. So I have come to realize that I don't want to do the same thing day after day (ie specialize) nor do I want to treat patients year after year for problems that they aren't doing anything about. Well how about that cough, didn't we talk about you not smoking on the last 20 visits? Or, how about you put down that bag of Cheetos long enough for me to look at your non-healing wound on your arm. And how long have you not followed the diet and exercise plan? And is it really more important to have all the movie channels to watch instead of paying for your medicine? And do you here the sarcasm that will get me run out of any family practice?

But I know there will be crappy stuff about ER, but it will be a different, rotating crap. I can be bitter about different things, not the same thing. I say hopefully. That is if I pass neuroscience. I hate neuroscience. It is interesting, but just TOO MUCH. It needs some retooling. Some of the class is fantastic. There is a neurologist who presents clinical correlates that are great and tempt me to become a neurologist. But not for long. Today's test for example was an exercise in failure for me. I am not looking forward to grading those scantrons. Hopefully they will put the scantron copies in our boxes tonight so I can grade it tomorrow in private, so no one hears all the x-ing I have to do and then the subsequent cursing.

But again, I still love it. There is this inner happiness that I feel that I am in medical school, almost one year in and ready to tackle the next. I am so looking forward to the clinical years. I realize that there is SO much I have to go back and review, but there is a lot that has stuck. And that is exciting.

I have also gotten two preceptorships lined up for this summer. I will spend 2 weeks with a family doctor in a nearby town and then 3 weeks with my kids' pediatrician. She is really a neat person and I am looking forward to that experience.

I am not looking forward to getting up at 3 am in the morning to start my day, but is the last day of tests for this block, so there is some relief that we just have one more block and then finals. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can. . .

Stitch in Time

2009-03-19T21:23:00.004-05:00

I have placed a stitch in a live human being. And under the VERY close eye of a resident who helped me along, it looked pretty good. It is just crazy to think that I can walk into an ER in this case to shadow someone and get to come out of the shadow and do something. Along those lines, I really like emergency medicine. I think I could do that and enjoy it. I have not seen the truly horrible and tragic, I must admit, but what I have seen has really made me put it higher on my list of possibilities. The ER at Memorial Hermann in the Texas Medical Center is an amazing place. I saw Dr. Red Duke in the ER and after he left, all the doctors were telling amusing anecdotes about what they had seen him do for patients. Just a legend. I bumped into him again today with my red-headed daughter and he commented about her hair and then explained why it is red, the genetic background, the importance of sunscreen and what happens as red-heads age all in the span of about 30 seconds as he waited for the elevator. He is a great Aggie!

With the kids being on spring break, I have continued my own break into this week. I will have to stop that really soon and get back on the studying wagon. Two more blocks and I can finish up for the semester and enjoy sleeping a little more. But I have to be honest with myself, that probably won't happen.

But if you need a stitch placed, I can tell you about some really great people who can do that for you!

Spring Breakin'!

2009-03-13T14:53:00.004-05:00

So it has been almost 2 months since I posted. Medical school seems to have that effect on me. I honestly want to post what is going on, but that extra 30 minutes of sleep is far and away more attractive to me. There is also some sort of time warp that occurs with school. Like some crappy '50s movie or here's a better analogy, sliding down an ever steeper slope towards a wood chipper. Oh, and they throw on grease, just to make things interesting. A vortex of doom approaches at the end of each block before tests. There just isn't enough time to learn everything they way I want to learn it. IT'S JUST TOO MUCH! So you do your best, take some practice tests, hone in on the things that seem like they were really important and then march to the room to take the test. By the last test, you really don't care much about anything except getting through the test and outta that room.

So let's get caught up on the events of the last few weeks. I have shadowed a couple of times in the emergency department of the local county hospital and really enjoyed it. I know that seems perverse, but it is gratifying to be able to see the information that you are trying to learn being applied. I also go to put staples in some guy's head. Cool.

So the doctor hands me the staple gun and says to try one to get the feel of it (in the air) for practice. The guy nearly jumped off of the bed, but she said "No, no, it's OK." I suppose all the painkillers that he had helped with his nerves! I also saw a wide variety of common and uncommon ailments. It amazed me several times that people will wait so long to come in to the hospital for treatment. Then I remembered that I was in the county hospital and many of these people don't have enough money for meals and clothes, let alone a physician. I thank my lucky stars my husband has insurance and we can get good preventative care.

The week of tests went OK. I still am not blowing them out of the water by any stretch. P equal MD is my motto, although a high pass in something would be nice, but I won't hold my breath. I am OK with sacrificing a little grade wise to have a semblance of family life. It seems to work right not.

We went camping for break. It was nice to enjoy the LONG days. I still have a paper to write and a presentation to prepare, but it has been nice to catch my breath, have fun with my kids and husband and loaf around for an afternoon. In three days I will be back at it. I am going to make it! I just have to keep telling myself that and studying my butt off!

2009 - New number, same grind

2009-01-23T10:36:00.002-06:00

Well, after a lovely break for Christmas, I have returned for the second semester. I did end up passing all of my classes and tests. Thank goodness, especially since I took the Gross exam with a fever, don't remember the majority of it and left really quickly. This semester the lovely classes being presented are Neuroscience, Physiology, Microbiology and Immunology. I can say that I have no love for any of the classes so far and that had inhibited my study progress. I have tests next week and hope that I can get caught up with all of them to sufficiently pass each test.

This semester has a horrible schedule. Each morning has about 4 hours of class straight. Last semester we usually didn't start until 9 or sometimes 10. I just seem to always be here and by the time I can sit down to do notes or study it is time to go or I am just beat. It seems to be fairly common with the class that it has been difficult to get started. Not that it makes it any better, but at least I am in good company.

The best thing about this semester has been my decision to go and shadow in the ER with Dr. O. I thought that I would stay for about 4 hours but ended staying for about 7 hours and not getting home until midnight. It was great to see some of the stuff that we had talked about in an actual person that really brought the concept home. It also made me realize that in a city of 4 million, people can do some really dumb things.

Well, enough diversion from studying. I need to buckle down. I studying ALL weekend, too. Yippee. But I still love it.

Grossed out.

2008-12-17T15:22:00.004-06:00

I have hit the major wall of testing. Only one more test on Friday and I am a MS1.5, having completed that first semester. I am waiting for my scores in Biochem, hoping that the test that I took some how translates to a passing grade. It was a "shelf exam" from the National Board who seemed to be testing a different biochemistry than I seemed to learn. Everyone walked out of that test with the look of "I didn't think I was that stupid" look on their face. It was kind of a violating feeling. To study so hard and then feel like I know so very little. Histology is over, and I know that I passed, HURRAH!! I didn't do as well as I thought I was going to, I seemed to have a moment of 'every picture of a cell looks like a pink and purple blob and I don't know what in the world that is.' Not the best feeling when 40% is a practical with lovely pictures! The fun was reading the emails from the course director after some of the annoyingly perfect had a fit about what they thought was an unfair test. It wasn't unfair, it was just a smidge more difficult than we were expecting.

Today was Developmental Anatomy or DEVO for short. I was humbled by the test. I don't think I passed. I hope I scored enough that I will pass the class overall. I didn't seem to have the same opinions of what was the most important items from each lecture as the crafters of the final did. I could never keep all of the genes straight and 14% of the questions had to do with the genes in some way. It makes me
VERY bitter toward researchers and their cute little names for their pet proteins, enzymes and genes. Grumble, grumble. The scantrons are available to pick up, but I wont do that until after my last test Friday.

Which brings me to Gross Anatomy. That shelf exam from Biochem really has me spooked about the Gross shelf exam. I just have to really buckle down in the next 40 hours or so and learn about every nook and cranny that I overlooked or have forgotten about since August. I feel like I am trying to hold 5000 marbles in my hands at once. It's just not possible to know it all. Not yet that is. Friday morning, it will be another story.

I still love it, though. I am so lucky. But I can't say that I can't wait until Friday at about 12pm when the first semester will be OVER!!!! Oh well, enough time off. Cranial nerves, seduce me with your magnificence.

I am not dead.

2008-12-02T07:48:00.002-06:00

September? September? I last posted then? It is December. How did that happen? And why, am I taking the time now to post? I guess I am tired of looking at my crummy drawings of biochem pathways and histology structures. Even though we have 2.5 weeks of tests starting Thursday. I just needed a break. I am completely terrified of this round of tests. I managed to scrape by the first, extra-fortified (thank you Ike) round of tests, but not with much wiggle room. So, back to looking at things that look vaguely familiar but will be tested in the most minute detail in a couple of days. We are done with dissection and I am so happy that is done. Now I just have to pass the class so I don't have to do that again. I was a horrible group mate, mainly reading and squeamishly holding something every now and again. Except for the fact I some how managed to saw her head in half. Go figure. I will NEVER be a surgeon. My tankmates were great at detail work. I didn't feel like I could tell anything apart and was terrified to destroy the most important structure, only to be ridiculed.

I have developed somewhat of a rythem of quasi-balance for home and studying. I try to get to school really early and then study and go home and be mommy in the evening and maybe cram in a little more info before bed. Doesn't always work, but I try. Steven, mom, the in-laws and the kids have been so supportive it is amazing. I have to pay back their sacrifice by doing well. Or at least passing.

I will be perfectly honest, there probably won't be any posts until the end of December, after tests, during that brief moment when I can come up for air. Oh well, I did choose this. And boy am I glad I did.

Unexpected day off

2008-09-11T21:49:00.004-05:00

It has been a whirlwind of a month and we are now preparing for a whirlwind of the natural kind. Hurricane Ike has closed the school for tomorrow, throwing schedules into disarray. I haven't had time to comment on classes, but now, in the calm before the storm and lack of electricity, I think I will.

Medical school is fun and hard. End of story. I am learning some really cool things at a blistering pace that makes me wonder how effectively the material is sticking in me and my classmates. The typical day involves me leaving the house at about 6 am, driving to the park and ride, riding a bus downtown, walking two blocks and then taking the train to the medical school. In all it takes about an hour to hour & fifteen minutes each way. I try to use the time wisely by looking over flashcards, listening to podcasts of lectures, etc. but it is a big chunk out of the day.

I am taking five classes: Histology, Developmental Anatomy, Gross Anatomy, Introduction to Clinical Medicine and Biochemistry. They are all very interesting and quite challenging. Histology is the study of bits of flesh that all basically look the same to me under the microscope. Each lecture about each cell type is followed by an exercise in frustration in the lab of looking at various slices of cut up people. Developmental anatomy has been very interesting, especially since I have had kids. It is the day by day play by play of a developing embryo and fetus. Wow, it is a wonder that people turn out OK more often than not. Gross anatomy is the study of all body structure and the dissection of the cadaver. It is pretty unnerving to skin another human and the smell is not the sweetest thing either. I go to lab with Vicks Vaporub smeared all over the inside of my nose. I have almost thrown up twice. I have to eat before lab, but not too soon before, that seems to be the key. Our tank has a dainty lady that we have named "Betty" who was 91 when she passed away of COPD. I think that it is a pretty amazing decision that someone is willing to make. Intro to Clinical Medicine is where we are learning all the doctor skills like taking vitals and doing the various exams. We have standardized patients who we get to practice on every couple of weeks. My first experience with this was great. It is a nice reminder that one day we will actually get to work with people instead of books.

The final class is Biochemistry. We are not friends yet. There is a bunch of cool information, but it is nit-picky and confusing at times. I am working hard to stay ahead of it.

I spend much of my day in the "pit" as we have named group study room #1 in the Learning Resource Center. I have made some terrific friends in the few short weeks and I am stressed but happy.

Family life is changing. My husband does so much, along with my mom and my in-laws. With the kids back at school, it is more like the job routine, but it is really hard to leave for both days of the weekend to go study. But, I need to do well and until I take my first round of tests, I don't know if I am doing the right or wrong things.

I could go into so much more detail, but I think that I will go do bed and enjoy the last night of air conditioning for a while. I just hope Ike goes easy on us. Keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

It's here!!!

2008-08-17T22:51:00.003-05:00

I have survived retreat and I am ready to start! I will post more details when I get time!

One White Coat

2008-08-14T21:08:00.002-05:00

I now have a coat, have taken an oath and feel a little more official as my position as a medical student. I still can't wrap my mind around the whole thing. Every emotion in the book courses through me as I anticipate the coming Monday, the first day of class. I got a good look at the class as we all walked across the stage to accept our coat and sign our ethical pledge. I think that I am at the top of the age bracket, but really haven't had any big negatives from that. I have met some super people, the S group that I was sitting with is going to be really fun. Part of the white coat ceremony was spent trying to figure out what specialty that some of the groups would enter or coming up with a goofy nickname. It passed the time since I was #207 out of a class of 230. The doctor reading the names had interviewed me and smiled when she introduced me, that was nice. I got my coat on and signed my pledge. And that was it. It seemed like it took longer to get out of the parking lot than the whole evening. We stopped for ice cream on the way home to celebrate.

I really felt proud of my family, they have put up with a lot and will put up with more as this continues, but they backed me all the way. My mom enlisted a group sitting around her to cheer, so instead of the noise from 5 it sounded like 25! It was a very nice ceremony, the speakers were motivating, realistic and brief. The room was packed with hundreds of proud friends and relatives and I feel like there is a lot of support for everyone.

My father-in-law continues to improve from his surgery in the hospital, so he was absent from the festivities, but mom-in-law came and helped with the kids. After Wednesday's orientation, I got to listen to his new heart valve which makes quite a different sound.

Tomorrow we head for retreat at Camp Allen for a weekend of information and silliness. Then it will be time to hit the books. Hook 'em horns and here we go!

No longer hazy around the edges.

2008-08-08T21:45:00.003-05:00

I have had a week. Others in my family have had a MUCH harder week. But emotionally, I am running on fumes right now. Let me explain. . .

Twenty years ago this summer, my life was consumed with twice daily trips to Methodist hospital to visit my dad in ICU. He had a 2nd bypass operation, perforated an ulcer, developed ARDS and after 3.5 months in ICU at Methodist, he died. There were several things that were very upsetting about the experience including a lack of pastoral care from Methodist for us (we are Methodist), a "deep throat" who informed us of basically an embezzlement of funds and the clincher of me walking in at a time that he had coded.

The 3rd floor Fondren waiting room is a dismal place, updated, but still dismal. My mom and I spent a solid 2 weeks there waiting for the 8am, 2pm and 8pm visiting times. The chairs aren't very comfortable, but the other families were kind and supportive, especially the ones that never moved on to a regular room out of the ICU. There was a nice group of us. I learned to play "pitch" as well a grow up pretty quickly during that summer of 1988. Dad was down in a ward type area, enter the double doors, turn left and walk to the end of the hall and there he was. He did have a bed by a window. But, you could see him as soon as you turned left. Which is what happened one night when we had been excluded from the room. Our "cards" like tickets to the show, had not been put out at 8pm. There is no good reason that happens, only that someone is in trouble. After an hour of waiting, and some bad feelings, I got up, went in to ask at the desk if it was my dad. I went in and glanced left and immediately knew it was him. They said they would come speak to us. I walked out, walked to the bathroom and threw up. He came back that night, but it eventually was over. I talked about that moment in my medical school application. It was the turning point where I walked away from my desire to pursue medicine at that time. Over 20 years, it became hazy, like that White Diamonds commercial with Liz Taylor. Everything looks better through that lens! It was still hazy, until this week.

Fast forward to this Monday. My mother-in-law calls to tell me that my father-in-law has an aneurysm and is going for tests later in the week. He was completely asymptomatic and had gone for a regular check-up and the doctor heard something. She stated she had been given the name of a doctor and eventually that evening I was told that Thursday he would have a catheterization on Thursday and see the surgeon on Monday, the 11th. The daughter in law in me screamed why wait so long, the attempt to be a cool professional said, they know what they are doing. I also figured out that the Dr. was at st. luke's in the medical center, not Methodist. Wednesday he had a CT scan in which the knob for seriousness was turned up to 5-6. It was a big aneurysm at the root of the aorta. We might look at getting him an appointment with someone else who can see him before Monday. It is a concern, but we're OK. Thursday's catheterization turned the volume up to 11. The cardiologist stated it was the largest aneurysm that he had seen and 2 others concurred. He would be going to see a Dr. at Methodist. Actually, he would be checking into Methodist Thursday for Surgery Friday. Big surgery, scary surgery.

After arriving Thursday night, we saw him to his room and I asked where the procedure would take place. "Oh, on the third floor of Fondren, there is a waiting room there." Crap. I know that waiting room. I stepped off the elevator just to look at it last night. Newer furniture and different arrangement, but still, it hung dread over my heart. I have been so lucky to have a father-in-law that is a second chance at a father. He and my dad would have enjoyed each other. He is such a great guy, I hate to see him and his family in pain. But I know that if we are to suffer through years more of horrible puns and eye-rolling, moan inducing jokes, there would be a little pain to go through. He was disappointed that I didn't bring my new stethoscope to listen to him last night, I made sure to bring it this morning. I also think that he is a little proud of me. That is a very nice feeling, too.

Aside about the stethoscope, I asked to borrow the PA's stethoscope last night to listen to his heart. Normal heart, lub-dub, lub-dub. His heart, dub dub. Of course, I say "COOL!" it was the first time that I have been able to hear something different. I was told that was in bad form for the patient and to avoid that in the future.

So this morning, we arrived at the hospital at about 6:30 and started to wait in THE waiting room. We saw him in pre-op as he was wheeled away. All pretense of brave face was gone for everyone, we were all quite worried. And we waited. We received the good news about 3.5 hours after he went back. It went very well, he had a new aortic valve and rebuilt aortic arch. He is the bionic man. About an hour later, they said that we could go back to see him. They let more than 2 people go back now and they have more than 3 visiting times. But as we went in, through those same double doors and then turned to the left and walked down that hall, they have remodeled, added walls, moved nurses stations and desks, but all that melted away. I wasn't going to see my father-in-law any more. There was a scared, naive 19-year old walking down that hall for the briefest of moments. I had to relive the might have beens for those fleeting seconds, college graduation, masters degrees, meeting my husband, walking me down the aisle, meeting his grandchildren, attending my white coat ceremony next week. We stopped and turned before the window that I looked out so long ago, which is now an isolation room. Focus came back on why I was there. But it isn't hazy any longer. And I hope I don't have to make that walk again.

He has been extubated and is doing well. In pain, uncomfortable and drugged, but telling stupid jokes again. Let's keep on the good path and keep as many as possible out of the jaws of the 3rd floor Fondren waiting room and ICU.

Three Weeks

2008-07-28T08:42:00.003-05:00

It is down to that, 21 days and I will be sitting in the first day of classes for school. I am going to do a dry run for the metro sometime next week and see how that goes. I am concerned about living so far away. But, I am going to try to use the time to study and not just veg. I also decided that I want to study late 2 nights a week. I am going to try to come to my side of town and then go to the library which remains open later. I am not sure that I want to change from the train to the bus downtown at night alone. It is funny how the Metro lines really only cater to a couple of areas and the rest are left to fend for themselves. Or make weird transfers in bad neighborhoods. I will just have to walk a couple of blocks downtown to make the exchange.

I have been reading some of the books that I ordered. The material appears to be manageable, that is until I realize that I am taking something other than the one class that the book is about. Everyone is being really supportive and wants me to succeed, so I think that we will be able to work out a working plan. I also have bought a bag to take to school since the last post. It was too expensive, but I think it will last me a while. It rolls and has a shoulder strap and while I wanted a backpack, it think that this will be a good medium with the distance that I need to cover each day. I won't be able to just run home at any time. I am trying to decide what to load into it, the essentials without weighing myself down too much. I am going to have to work on that since I like to have a lot of stuff available. It is the pack rat in my genetic makeup coming forward.

I also said farewell to my study buddy for the MCAT. He is headed to the American University in Beirut for medical school. He has a lot more guts than I do, travelling around the world to follow his dream. He inspires me in that he wants to do the medicine that would make me too uncomfortable - poor countries, war torn villages, situations of despair. I find that very noble, but something that I would not want to pursue. I just find the challenges to big and the situation too heart rending. I also have a feeling that I won't have to go very far to find people in desperate situations in my own city and eventually in my own practice. I find that it is a unique reflection of the individuals who are selected for medical school and how there is a adequate distribution of students entering each specialty because of the desires of the student to practice a certain kind of medicine.

I have also been watching the HOPKINS series on TV this summer. Quite interesting yet the producer of the program had the ability to cut and fast forward and alter based on what he wanted in a 1 hour show. I am intrigued by the bias that might have been shown and also what was left on the cutting room floor. I wish that the Houston Medical series would have been picked up for a longer run 5 years ago. I enjoyed that series, too.

My daughter has learned how to spell the word "doctor" and likes to write Doctor Mommy on things. I really like that and I know that she is proud of me. She also has taken to drawing a brain with spinal cord that is really cute. It looks like a rose and stem with no leaves. I am more amazed by my kids abilities each and every day. They make me happy and truly make me feel loved. Any problems that I am having melt away in one of their hugs. I will have to remember that after a long hard day of studying.

Sticker Applied!

2008-07-13T16:27:00.003-05:00

I placed the UT-Houston medical school sticker on the back of my Jeep yesterday. Kind of spooky looking. It keeps getting more and more official! Some of my fellow compadres are in the pre-entry program which started last week. I had been invited, but with mom and daughter's surgeries, there would not be any way. I wish I could have participated and get the rust out, but we will have to just start at a run. I am trying to put "my house in order" for the beginning of school.

It was interesting to go through the caregiver side of medicine. I hope to remember from this that while working in the hospital each day can become very routine for the doctors and nurses, it is not that way for the patients families. I certainly appreciated the confident and assertive people I ran into instead of the folks who were laughing and joking. Maybe it is just me. There was a doctor talking about his daughter thinking about getting her nipple pierced at one location and a nurse calling the man who had just cut on my daughter an "ass." You have to remember that you never know who is listening or how that message will be taken. One thing that I found interesting was the post-op pain management and how it works for adults versus children. While NO pain is impossible, it is so important to lessen the burden of pain to allow for healing, but it is such a narrow line to walk.

I still have a massive list of things to do before school starts and I try to work on things as they come up. I am trying to enjoy all of the remaining free time before all of our lives really change!

Ode to an Otoscope

2008-06-20T17:15:00.002-05:00

My husband's uncle is a physician near Waco, Texas. A couple weeks ago, he called Steven to ask if I have a stethoscope for school. Since Steven already made that lovely purchase, he got me an otoscope. I spent part of the morning looking in my daughter's ear. The amusing thing is that I currently have an ear infection, but I can't look in my own ear to pick up some tips.

I also got my white coat. I have hung it conspicuously in the house, and I don't want to jinx the whole thing by wearing it around. So it will just hang there for another couple of weeks. It has an official looking patch on it and is the "short" coat. But still, I can't wait to don it officially in a few weeks.

I am down to the house cleaning, when the vertigo lets me and other minutia until I get to care for mom after her foot surgery and my daughter after her tonsils are separated from her body. I don't particularly like the experience of having to care for loved ones in pain, because it hurts me when they hurt, but it will bring some insight for my consideration of the families of patients that I treat.

The Fat Lady Warms Up

2008-05-27T15:47:00.003-05:00

No, at this moment I am not describing myself, although a weekend of camping and blissful indulgence didn't help my pudgy waist. I am talking about the last week as a teacher. It really is over, it is just now an exercise in bureaucracy to give the right paper to the right person at the right time. I never liked the end of year checklist. It is your invitation to fail. Be at the head of the line and have forgotten something. Or to be chastised because you have misplaced some meaningless special education help book (See me, Thursday). The kids are really gone. I will have no semblance of classes, only a few taking finals because of poor attendance or suspension or failure. Friday was the last day for seeing those groups who had become second nature. You learn the quirks and inside jokes and relationships and triumphs. I will miss that. But, dear God, not the rest. Take the paperwork, the "other duties as assigned by the principal", grading papers, cheaters, stupid comments, safety hazards, special education ARDs and all the other educational crap that burns the life out of people who genuinely want to teach, and place it somewhere the sun does not reach.

But, I did receive the most wonderful notes and cards from the special few. I am always surprised at the student that I affected and had NO idea that I had done so much for them. It is always a pleasure to get it in writing, though. Not enough students take the time. My favorite of all time happened this year. A simple note of thanks, expressing the desire to continue with the study of chemistry and attached was a Fisher-Price Doctor Kit. He had left it on my desk before school. It was a good thing, because I certainly teared up. The quintessential moments of teaching distilled into one note and one gift. It is one that I will treasure.

I am also going to pass on my MCAT books to a student who is interested in medicine. Never to soon to become OCD over preparations for that test. I will be cleaning house, playing with the kids and looking forward to a new chapter in life. Ain't it grand?

I also got my stethoscope. A lot heavier than any I have ever handled. There was my name engraved in the bell. Maroon tubing and all. I can't wait to learn how to use it!

100 Days of Knowing

2008-05-13T20:13:00.003-05:00

I have known that I will be attending UT-Houston for 100 days now. It is still surreal and blissful. I have enjoyed my friends and family more than ever over the last couple of months. It is still just neat to see people's reactions when you tell them that you are going to medical school. The age bias is the thing that makes me chuckle. When I say "I am going to medical school next year." I assume that everyone understands that medical school equals becoming a doctor. It is amazing how many people say "Oh, you are going to be a nurse?"

Steven has ordered my stethoscope for me. I can't wait for it to arrive. I picked a plum color of tubing and got my name engraved on it. That has a kind of "You have got to do it now!" sense to it! He is tracking its progress online and hopefully it will be here soon.

We also completed the playhouse/swing set combination that reaffirms that I have no interest in orthopedics. So many screws, nuts, bolts and various pieces of cheap and warped wood, but we ended up with a solid structure that will last at least a little while! The worst mistake I made was splitting the wood on the chimney. I just told the kids that since it is so warm in Houston, we don't need a chimney. Chimney pieces into trash, problem solved.

I also received notice from the financial aid department that I am eligible for $43,000 in financial assistance. About $37,000 will be loans. That is a chunk of change. I am still trying to wrap my mind around those numbers and try to decide if we actually want to take all of that or a portion or what we want to do. I just don't think that I want to have and additional house payment in 4 years that I will begin to pay down with less money than we are making now. I never thought that I would believe it, but a new doctor in internship and residency actually makes less than a first year teacher in the school districts around Houston. That just doesn't seem right. I know that the salary will jump after that, unlike a teacher, but still, the hours and hours of basically unpaid work. Very daunting, indeed!

I will have to start "putting my house in order" so to speak. I have a list of things that I want to get done before I start so that I don't have to worry about as much right at the beginning of school. But, I am really out of my element, with the great unknown, which is also going to start in about 100 days.

Twenty-five days left in Public Education

2008-04-25T11:24:00.003-05:00

I started the countdown of days at about 50, so I am half-way to my personal finish line. If I was independently wealthy, I would walk off the job. This year has been SO trying. I never thought it could have been such a crazy year. As chemistry team leader, I have had the privilege of dealing with extra problems for an extra conference period and $1100. I lost on this gamble. We have lost 2 full-time teachers, 2 long-term subs, hired 2 new teachers and dealt with the strangest problems all year long. Any time anyone said that it can't get worse, I knew something else crappy was going to happen! I have had 2 kids busted for drugs and just some strange interactions with people all year long. If it wasn't for the great students that I have that really make school worthwhile, I would just check out! But that is how it has always been, it is the relationships with kids and coworkers that make work fun. Not TAKS, special education law, endless paperwork and some mindless decisions by administration. As I said in one interview, "I'm trading one crappy set of paperwork for another." I am not so Pollyanna that I think there won't be different challenges, I am just ready for the different part.

I have finally completed all of my shots for school and had a clear TB test and sent the stuff in to the health office. I also was lucky enough to receive word that I will receive 2 different scholarships that will cover about 40% of my tuition for the next year. I was really happy about that, any way to remove some of the burden and future debt is welcome.

Also, I was invited to be a part of the Pre-entry program. I refer to this as the "Dear God, why did we let her in the medical school" program. I say that jokingly, because I know it would give me a leg up for the fall. Unfortunately, I am going to be having mother and daughter responsibilities that will preclude my attendance.

That said, I am getting the jitters. I hope that I will be able to do an acceptable job. I know the time commitment will be brutal as well as the volumes of material that I will have to learn. I don't want to let anyone down. That is a lot of pressure. There was an article in Newsweek about the level of suicides and depression in physicians. I will have to make sure that I get help whenever I need it. I am just so thankful that I have such a wonderful family to keep me grounded.

It is still such a wonderful feeling to be able to say, "I am going to medical school next year." It never fails that I giggle after I say that like a little girl! I know that this time next year I will probably be thinking I should have never giggled at the beast that is MS-1.

School Matched: UT Medical School - Houston

2008-02-02T20:56:00.000-06:00

I am still on cloud nine! I have to pinch myself to remind myself that this actually happened. I will be going to medical school in a mere 197 days.

I made it through Thursday by keeping as busy as possible. And, the internet was down at school, so even if I had the time to look at SDN or TMDSAS, I wouldn't be able to see anything other than the hourglass timer on Internet Explorer. I decided to leave early and snuck out at about 2 pm. That meant that I had about three hours to kill until the 5 pm match. I had let everyone continue under the idea that the match was at midnight. I decided that I would need some time to cry and compose myself if the results were bad. Steven and the kids had gone to the playground and mom was at her house. I watched SDN and the news until I got a clock up and watched the last 3 minutes count down. I had signed into the TMDSAS site and at 5 pm I started refreshing the page. NOTHING. For about a minute nothing changed and then School Matched: UT Medical School - Houston popped up. I couldn't say anything. I just got all warm and fuzzy. I printed off two copies and called mom. I made her cancel dinner with a friend to go to dinner with me. But, I didn't tell her that I matched. I walked over to her house and taped the paper with the match results on it to the window and knocked on the window and turned around to walk to the park to let the rest of the family know. The were walking back down the street. I showed Steven the paper and we hugged and jumped in the middle of the street. Mom was walking through our backyard when I got home and too nervous to be excited. She wanted to hear it from me that it was true.

From there it was a blur of phone calls to friends and family. Steven's parents met us for dinner and we had too much food and too much fun! I really enjoyed that moment. The next day it was really fun to resign my position for the end of the year. I went to the principal and told her I had just resigned. This is not particularly funny since we had 2 chemistry teachers do this already. She just looked at me and I repeated my statement but added "at the end of the year because I was accepted to medical school yesterday!" She came and gave me a hug, as did her secretary. My students gave me standing ovation when I told them.

I have started to send transcripts, do a background check and apply for financial aid. Yippee! Now the dirty work begins, but I have also began to make contact with newly accepted Class of 2012 on Facebook.

But you just can't beat getting an email that starts "Dear Future UT Houston Physician!." Everyone has helped me so much, especially my family and all the work has paid off - I am going to go to medical school, I am going to be a doctor!

The Elephant in the Room

2008-01-30T18:29:00.001-06:00

Well, tomorrow is the day. Something is decided in the match. Hopefully, it will mean that I have matched to UT-Houston and will attend medical school beginning in August. Of secondary options, I would match to either of the other schools where I interviewed. Worst case is that I don't match. Everyone in the house is avoiding discussing the topic. The time just ticks away, "like sand through the hourglass" so is the waiting for medical school admission. I have not shared the time that the match will occur with my family. They think that I am going to stay up until midnight tomorrow like I did for the disappointment of the pre-match offer day on November 15th. I am debating what I am going to do. I had thought that I would stay at work late and then have alone time to process the results on the way home. But, if I get bad news, I don't want to be driving like that, with tears streaming down my face. So, I guess that I will come home and maybe try to be private about the whole thing. Then I can let everyone know what the result is.

I hope that I haven't let my family down. That would be the thing that I most regret, all the time and money and testing and sacrifice to reach the finish line and not cross it. To watch all the other racers cross on beyond me and reach their dream. I think of the line from the Shawshank Redemption:

Andy Dufresne: That there's something inside... that they can't get to,
that they can't touch. That's yours.
Red: What're you talking about?
Andy Dufresne: Hope.

I hope tomorrow will bring good news. I hope.

Pre-Match Burn Out

2007-12-03T19:09:00.000-06:00

Well, another day has gone by and no one has called to say. . ."Yes, we want you to be a student at our school!" Which is disappointing since UTHSCSA sent out another batch of pre-match acceptances. Rumor has it they have sent out several hundred pre-match acceptances. It is one thing to always be a bridesmaid, the fifth wheel, the third man, but it sure makes you feel lousy when you are 400th in line. The system is innately unfair just because there are not enough places for qualified applicants. And I have recently met 2 people who dropped out of medical school. I know that there will be those who could be taking up a slot that is MINE, if only someone would give me a chance. I am beginning to get worried. I was fairly sure that I would receive a pre-match invite from somewhere. I'm not being cocky, I just feel like my interviews went great! I have written an admissions director to ask if I was way off base about my feelings about the interview, and if so, could I have another shot.

I hate resorting to grovelling, but I am almost to that point. I just feel like I have let my family down. There has to be something that I could have done better, that would make me a better candidate. My family made so many sacrifices over the last year and a half, just so I can follow my dream. I hope that I can reach it. I hope. . .

North by Southwestern

2007-11-20T20:42:00.000-06:00

The interview at Southwestern in Dallas seemed to go very well. The people were very nice, Parkland is an amazing facility and my husband and I were able to enjoy some hockey. We drove up on Friday to go to the Dallas Stars game. It was great and by the end we were cheering for the Stars. Jussi Jokinen had 4 goals. We hadn't ever seen a player do that in an NHL game that we had attended.

So the next morning I get all gussied up and head over to the interview. The standard presentation about the school was made and then we broke up for the tour. My guide was a 4th year who wants to do OB/GYN and is interviewing now. She was great. We saw the place where Kennedy died. It is no longer part of the ER and just a simple plaque commerates the place and date. The ER was rockin'. It really looked like ER, the TV show. Had some real characters in there, too. We went to the newborn nursery and saw some of the babies, it was packed, too. After that, off to interview. Again, like all of the other interviews, I have felt exceedingly comfortable, had good conversations and felt that I did well when I walked out. Unfortunately, UT-Southwestern has already sent out a lot of acceptance letters pre-match. So, I don't know what I will hear. I ate lunch with a couple of 3rd years who were real characters and then was picked up to head home.

It was good to see some of the people from other locals where I have interviewed. Having someone to chat with eases the tension of the day. I was amused about a conversation that I had with another applicant about SDN. We both are sick of a girl that posts way too much on the Texas group. She is a reapplicant who wants to go to UT-Houston and has spent the last 6 months whining about everything. For some reason she developed a following. She was accepted this time pre-match. So now she is the guru telling everyone, "Don't worry, you'll get in, there are plenty of spots." We both wanted to slap her. If all you had to do is gripe and whine for 6 months, I wish I had known, I can do that with the best of 'em. My MCAT buddy brought me flowers and a lovely card with the message "Keep your chin up!" It was so sweet. But, at the end of the day, I can't say I am going to be a doctor yet. And that is not a very comforting message. I now get to wait the 2.5 months until the February match. Hopefully I will hear something then. If not, I hate to think about it.

A very disappointing day. . .

2007-11-16T12:31:00.000-06:00

November 15th is the day that Texas medical schools can offer pre-match acceptances. I stayed up until midnight on that night to see if I would get an email. Just after midnight, my inbox flashed. It was the Texbirds listserv evening message. That was all that I received. I began watching on SDN as people began to get acceptances. While exciting for them, that only made me feel worse. UTH was the only school that I would have heard from at midnight. UTHSCSA mails offers that day. I noticed that some students were beginning to get acceptances to SA though. I asked and they said that they had called to get the news. I called. I got the "You were not in the first batch, but we are sending more offers out in two weeks." speech. I said thanks and hung up the phone. I really felt that I nailed the interviews at both of these schools, so not receiving at least one acceptance was truly disappointing for me. I called and talked with my mom and later my husband and received the obligatory pep talk. I do know that there will be more offers and then the match, but that just doesn't make me feel better NOW. I have horrible self-doubt now. Did I put my family through all of this for nothing? Did we spend the thousands of dollars on school and MCAT prep and test and applying and interview outfits and make-up and lodging just to not receive anything? To a 21-year-old, waiting to reapply the next year is painful, but doable. They have years. For me, I don't know if I want to go through this process again if I am not accepted. Is it my place in life to be an overworked, underpaid, underappreciated public school teacher? Is it my place to have some other job? How would I explain this to my daughter? Do I say "Mommy got really close to acheiving her dream, but we need to try again next year or never?"

I have to try to figure out some answers in the next 24 hours because I am going to interview at UT-Southwestern in Dallas tomorrow.

I only wanted to be able to say "I am going to be a doctor." today. I guess I just need to suck it up. It hasn't come easy so far, I doubt it ever will.

Remember the Alamo!

2007-11-13T20:30:00.000-06:00

I had another interview on October 29th at UTHSC - San Antonio. It was a great experience also. I drove to San Antonio the night before my interview and arrived just at dusk, in time to see where I would need to park the next day. The hotel that I stayed at was almost directly across the street, so I just had to worry about getting up in time. Monday morning, looking sharp, I headed outside to the most picture perfect weather. Cool, not a cloud in the sky with bright sunshine. Once I parked and finally found my way to the reception area, I was able to check in. It is amazing how goofy a group of interviewees looks. Everyone in suits and ties with uncomfortable shoes. It is so obvious that none of these folks ever wear this attire. We trooped down to the auditorium and listened to Dr. Jones present about the school and then some 4th year med students answer questions. Again, I was impressed. After the tour and interviews I cut out to head home to work the next day. This is such a tough position to be in. I would love to go to that school also. Of course, if no one offers me a spot it won't matter. But, I think that I did well on the interviews, again more conversational that grilling. I finally did get a dreaded canned interview question in which I was asked to basically solve the healthcare crisis in about 3 minutes of time. HA!

After returning to work I was again pleasantly surprised to receive an invitation from UT - Southwestern. I will head to Dallas with Steven on Friday for the Saturday interview. Of course the big day falls in between that. NOVEMBER 15th. The first day that offers of acceptance can be given to Texas residents. I would love to hear from either Houston or San Antonio and then cancel Dallas. But we are going to go to a hockey game on Friday night as our anniversary outing, so I might as well go and see what all of the fuss is about at Southwestern. While I am not really research oriented, academic medicine might have a draw. We'll see. . .

Oooo, Oooo, Pick Me, Pick Me!

2007-09-23T10:40:00.000-05:00

I had my first interview this last Friday at the University of Texas - Houston medical school. All I can say is WOW!!! I would love to attend that school. It was fantastic. Everyone that I met was friendly, willing to answer questions, honest about the time and work yet extremely upbeat. It seems to be an extremely supportive and engaging environment. My husband got to go along since UT-H realizes that it is a big decision when there is someone else that is helping to make the decision. He also was impressed. After a welcome session, I had morning interviews. My first was with a Ph.D. in the Pathology and Laboratory Medicine department. She asked the tough questions. I was nervous, but I think that I did OK. After that, I talked with the head of admissions. She is an incredible person. Very knowledgeable about topics beyond medicine. I was very comfortable in that interview even though she asked the tough questions, too. I was impressed with her answer for a tough question that I had for her!

We ate lunch and got to meet more students and faculty members. And then we went on the tour of the incredible facilities at the Texas Medical Center. I walked away feeling like I did well in the interview and I would love to attend medical school at UT-Houston.

Houston, We Have an Interview!

2007-08-30T15:49:00.000-05:00

All the waiting, and finally, UT-Houston sent an email giving me three dates to select from for an interview. The email starts out "Dear Future Physician." I got goose bumps! Now I have to find something to wear. I also have to change my mantra that I use when someone asks "So what kind of doctor do you want to be?" I decided to start with short term goals: I want to do well in Organic I; I want to do well in Organic II; I want to do well on the MCAT; I want an interview from a medical school. Now I can move to I want to be accepted into medical school. The path has been so long, but I am really excited about it. It makes this day easier to get through. Nineteen years ago, my dad died on this day. It is nice to be able to say I got an interview today. Dad is looking down and smiling.

I have been lurking on the Student Doctor Network and posted that I had an interview. It is amazing the range of emotions that I would go through as I started to see more and more postings. I admit it, I was jealous. I tried to fight that back with thoughts about how qualified those people are and they are just as nervous and anxious as I am. I love being older and being able to pinpoint how I feel and why. Life is less mysterious, but more fun.

Now I have to find a suit that makes me look good. That's what credit cards are for, right?

The Waiting Game, Part II

2007-08-21T20:21:00.000-05:00

Well, now we wait for the possible interviews. My application is complete for the 4 Texas schools that I applied for through TMDSAS. My only AMCAS submission was for Baylor College of Medicine. I am waiting on two letters of recommendation. And then hoping and praying for an invite. I had this selfish little daydream that they would see my application and say come join us now! Ha. I start teaching next week and I am working this week doing inservice training. So much to do to be a teacher and so little time with all of the other demands that are placed into the life of an educator. The fresh start of the academic year is nice though. I am going to be teaching chemistry. But, I still anxiously check my email to see if anyone wants to meet me. Please. . .soon. . .please. . .

Houston, We Have a MCAT score!

2007-07-07T21:47:00.000-05:00

Friday around 2pm the scores were posted. I had left the kids next door at my mom's and went to check email, do a few household things and decided to check early. It took longer to load, so I got suspicious and sat there. Verbal 10, Physical Science 12 and Biological Science 12. I had gotten a 34 on the MCAT. I ran as fast as I could over to my mom's over the rain slick path and yanked open the door and screamed "I got a 34" I think the kids started to cry, mom hugged me and then I called my husband. I nearly blew out his eardrums! Then I began the cycle of I am going to puke or cry. And calling my friends and supporters. It was a whole lot easier to call with good news. Mom and Steven both said they were confident that I had done well. I still can't believe it. Hakeem Olajuwon, Earl Campbell and Nolan Ryan and now my MCAT score, Houston's #34's!

I subsequently finished applying to schools. I applied to five - the four UT schools - Houston, Galveston, San Antonio and Dallas as well as Baylor College of Medicine. I know that I should probably applied to more, but finances limit that, as well as a strong desire to stay in Texas. I just hope that I get interviewed! That is the next thing to wait on!

The Waiting Game

2007-07-04T23:43:00.000-05:00

It is the fourth of July and while everyone is celebrating, there is that gnawing tension in this household until MCAT result day - July 6. I still don't understand why it takes the extra week. I guess that even graders need that summer vacation and it happened to correspond with my test week. So be it. . .I will know in less that 48 hours how the results play out. So much seems to hinge on this, who else I will ask for recommendation letters, should I put up my study books (a great excuse not to clean our office, by the way) should I have stuff completely done on my application or wait, etc. It truly reminds me of an approaching delivery date, the pain and surprise await! And I hope joy!!

It's Over!

2007-06-12T16:45:00.000-05:00

A little late on this post, but I needed to put some space between me and the evil test. My family and I went camping for four days to let off steam after the test.

I don't know how I feel that I did. Moments I feel terrified, knowing the worst happened, but other times I feel OK, that each section was hard, but I did OK. I just have to wait 3 more weeks until I know. I am trying to work on my application essays. That is more difficult than I thought it would be. It is really hard to write about yourself, especially good things. So, I have just about put everything down in writing, entered all of my grades and other personal minutia and just have to wait for the scores. That and submit the application with all of that fee money. You need to take out a loan to apply, let alone finance the actual schooling!

Long Time, No Blog II. . .

2007-05-30T16:46:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow is the MCAT. I have been in school and studying for a full year and now the poop will hit the fan. I have a few more formulas to look over and a few more concepts to review, but over all, I feel pretty good. Each step has certainly had its ups and downs. I will be glad to be rid of the test booklets and online study aids. Tomorrow, after the test, I am going to pack to go camping for a few days and not think about applications, recommendation letters, how crummy the TMDSAS online application is compared to the AMCAS application or anything else. My study buddy got word this morning that one of the MCAT computer labs in Houston is down and he could reschedule or take the test where there is an opening. He is flying to Oklahoma tonight. I am so glad that drama wasn't in my life. It actually works out OK for him, he was heading that way after the test for his brother's wedding plans.

Now, tonight I will carbo-load, which is just an excuse to go to Carraba's and then get a good night's sleep. Good luck to everyone taking the test, but I have to admit, I hope I do better!!

Christmas Break

2006-12-16T22:03:00.000-06:00

Finally, I am done with finals and have a chance to do all of the stuff that has piled up around the house, review MCAT stuff, and enjoy my family without the interruption of assignments and tests. I have a whole list of things that I would think about when I am at school and write down on a ever-lengthening list. It is interesting to examine what becomes vital when studying is at the fore of the day. Dust bunnies rule supreme!

Long Time, No Blog. . .

2006-10-23T14:10:00.000-05:00

It is very demanding trying to keep all of the balls in the air that I am juggling. Three classes, two labs, one MCAT prep class, two kids, one husband, one 33-year-old house. Crazy!!! When I have time to sit down, I try to do things like interact with something other than a book or computer, so my blog has been neglected. I again marvel at the quaint optimism of the youngsters in my classes. There is a guy in the MCAT class who really looks like he could be Doogie's younger brother. But, I know that my focus was on much different things 15 years ago when I was in college the first time around.

I got an A on my organic test, I am THRILLED!!!!! But I should have gotten an A the first time, so alas, the yin-yang thing. I do look thinner though, because I worked my butt off. My family is also making a lot of sacrifices and working for me too. At this point, it is still worth it. My relationships with my loved ones have changed some, but they are still strong. We are all in this together and if there is a weak link, I will have to reexamine the entire process and goal. It won't be worth the M.D. after my name if I have alienated my husband and children and family. I will always keep that at the forefront of my mind.

You know it only gets harder. . .

2006-08-31T09:33:00.000-05:00

These were the words that my human physiology teacher started his lecture with yesterday. He was aiming his comment to the 20-somethings in the room who think that 15 hours and maybe a part-time job puts a crimp in their time. He was referring to a comment that was made to him when he was a 3rd year medical student. He stated that all you have to do the first two years of school is study. The next two you have as much work studying, plus the clinic rotations and finally as a resident you have to study just as much while people are dying on you.

I know it just gets harder and somehow you just adapt to the stress to meet the challenge. Just as an older student/applicant, that will be harder. I know that I have to apportion my time correctly now, too, or I won't even have a chance. It takes practice, but I am getting there. But I know it will only get harder.

Musing about Money.

2006-07-31T15:54:00.000-05:00

The thing about summer school is it just goes by so fast. I finally took a breather this afternoon and I realized that tomorrow will be August 1! The learn, review, test cycle is a blistering pace for all that I need to know. I am looking forward to the shorter hour and a half classes of the fall. I am not looking forward to the fee bill that will be associated with those classes. A couple weeks back, I was cleaning out some drawers and found a fee bill for some classes I took at a community college in 1988. For 12 hours the cost was $106. Not per credit hour, total. My chemistry book alone cost me more than that entire semester. I also just received my last paycheck from teaching. So, from now until AM (After MCAT) we are living on a loan from my retirement since the one salary my husband brings in won't quite cover us. I shudder to think about the bill for further education.

We have decided to cross that bridge when we come to it. My daughter's pediatrician commented to my mother that she was glad that she wasn't in my shoes. She thinks that I will enjoy the process, but she is glad it is over for her. I just want the chance to try to make it into medical school, so I will keep going. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming. Thanks for the advice, Nemo. Find inspiration where you can!

Step One

2006-07-01T10:27:00.000-05:00

I took my Biology final this morning. I feel like I got a high B or low A, depending on how I interpreted the questions. So, step one is completed. It is a relief, but the trail gets increasingly steeper as time passes. I wish that I posesses some of the true undergraduate naivete in the outlook to this path. I overheard some students discussing the plan to be pre-med, how you just needed a few classes and then take the MCAT. OK, just a few, but the great med school feeder weeder of organic looms. I know that it is hard and I have an extra load with the family, I wish I could be just as blaise about just a few classes.

Where to Start?

2006-06-20T13:17:00.000-05:00

I am amazed by the tangle of advice and guidance that is offered on the web. One of my favorite sites is by Mike Grasso which I stumbled upon when I was on bedrest with my second pregnancy. He lists the following on his site about considering beginning the path to become a doctor:

Positive reasons to consider

Above all else, this is what you really want. The issue of desire is probably more important than the question of how old you are.
You have the ability, energy, and courage to go for it.
You are willing to sacrifice what it will take to achieve it.
You are willing to walk away from other goals in your life in order to achieve this one. From this point on, becoming a physician will likely need to be the main focus in your life.
You have a plan to make sure your children or other essential obligations will be attended to while you are in school. Can you release yourself from existing obligations, or otherwise be faithful to them?

Negative reasons to avoid

You are worried about what your family or friends will think of your desire to go back to school. This is a decision that only you will have to live with (and your spouse, if you're married), so don't let others make it for you.
You feel you are too old or have been out of school too long. Don't ever let age be the determining factor for anything you want to do in life.
You feel you are smarter than most doctors or have unique insights that would make you a better physician. Become a doctor for the right reasons, remembering that medicine is a calling, not a crusade.

I really like being able to think about both sides of this coin, but there is a point where you have to say "this is what I am going to do and I am going for it!" I get the same feeling from this decision that I did the first time I jumped off the high diving board at the pool - nervousness, excitement, awe of others who have gone ahead and knowing that it will be a cool experience! Ahh, the childlike innocence of flinging yourself headlong into uncertain times.

I Have A Dream!

2006-06-14T13:40:00.001-05:00

I know, cliche. But, I have always wanted to go to medical school. Finally, after some soul searching and deep discussions with family and friends, I have started the first, tentative steps toward being able to apply. It is amusing how people will immediately say, "Well, what kind of doctor do you want to be?" I am just thinking, "I hope that I do well in Organic and the MCAT." I know that everyone means well, and that is a vote of confidence for me, but the entire process is so daunting.

So, here I am at 37, taking freshman biology with the lab, with students that I could have taught in my own classroom only weeks ago. I look around the room and see a few other "geezers" and wonder, what is their purpose for being in the class? So, after pondering this point, I have decided to start a blog about it and maybe it could become a place for the older, non-traditional aspiring medical school applicant to discuss the process and network.

Personally, I am going to retake freshman biology & chemistry, physics and the labs. I am also going to take organic, human physiology and biochemistry for the first time. I am going to be completing these courses at the University of Houston - Main Campus. I plan on taking the MCAT next spring. Since the administration is now all computer based and offered many more times, I haven't difinitively picked when I will sit the test. I also would like to take a review course before that big day.

Needless to say, the tremendous amount of stuff needed to prepare is made even more difficult for me since it also means placing extra stress on my husband, children, mom and other family. Since I am not working for a year, we will be both poor and borrowing against my retirement. This makes me even more aware that I need to make really good grades!

But, both my husband and I want me to be happy and teaching high school just wasn't cutting it in that department anymore. So anytime I feel unsure or doubtful, I just look at the bracelet my mom bought me as I embarked on this new adventure. "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams - Live the life you've always imagined" -H. Thoreau